Marketing Jokes 5.

Two Beggars

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says,

"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said,

"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

Buzzword Bingo

For those of you who attend a lot of marketing meetings, this should make those meetings go faster!

If you don't attend lots of meetings, consider yourself lucky.

How to play: Simply tick off 5 words heard in one meeting from the following list and shout out BINGO! It's that easy!

Synergy
Proactive, not Reactive 
Win-Win Situation 
Think Outside the Box 
Take That Offline 
On the Same Page 
Client-Focused 
Strategic Fit 
Gap Analysis 
Best Practice 
The Bottom Line 
Core Business 
Lessons Learned 
Touch Base 
Revisit 
Game Plan 
Bandwidth 
Hardball 
In the Loop 
Out of the Loop 
Go the Extra Mile 
Benchmark 
The Big Picture 
Value-Added 
Movers and Shakers 
Ball Park 
Fast Track 
Result-Driven 
A Done Deal 
Empower Employees 
No Blame 
Stretch the Envelope 
Knowledge Base 
Total Quality Mindset 
Put The One to Bed 
Quality-Driven 
Move the Goal Posts 
Peel the Onion Back 
More Bang for the Buck 

Testimonials from other players: 
"I had only been in the marketing meeting for five minutes when I yelled BINGO." 
"My attention span at marketing meetings has improved dramatically." 
"The facilitator was gobsmacked as we all screamed BINGO for the 3rd time." 
"I feel that the game has enhanced the overall quality of marketing meetings per se on a quid pro quo basis." 
"People are even listening to mumblers, thanks to Buzzword Bingo!"

The Marketing Plan

In the beginning was the Marketing Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Marketing Plan was without substance.

And darkness was up the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of crap, and it stinketh."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of  dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of  fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors then went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new Marketing Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Marketing Plan and saw that it was good.

And the Marketing Plan become Policy.

Marketing An Over-40 Barbie

Not long ago, Mattel's famous and much-loved doll, Barbie, turned 40. Creative Marketers have been working on the new possibilities... 

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Cook's Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.

6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Midlife Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home (both new and improved-wheelchair-accessible and retrofitted to conform to ADA code requirements), the possibilities (not to mention the accessories) are endless! 

The Marketer's Mercedes

The Marketing Manager had bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. 

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. 

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. 

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The Marketing Manager, used to finding the right words for any situation, thinks for a moment, then says, 

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer. 

Progress

A Marketing Consultant, on holiday in a African fishing village, watched a little fishing boat dock at the quayside. Noting the quality of the fish, the consultant asked the fisherman how long it had taken to catch them. 

"Not very long." answered the fisherman. 

"Then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the Marketing Consultant.

The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. 

The Marketing Consultant asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" 

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, have an afternoon's rest under a coconut tree. In the evenings, I go into the community hall to see my friends, have a few beers, play the drums, and sing a few songs..... I have a full and happy life." replied the fisherman.

The Consultant ventured, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you...... You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have a large fleet. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to a city here or maybe even in the United Kingdom, from where you can direct your huge enterprise." 

"How long would that take?" asked the fisherman.

"Oh, ten, maybe twenty years." replied the Marketing Consultant. 

"And after that?" asked the fisherman. 

"After that? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the Marketing Consultant, laughing, "When your business gets really big, you can start selling shares in your company and make millions!" 

"Millions? Really? And after that?" pressed the fisherman.

"After that you'll be able to retire, move out to a small village by the sea, sleep in late every day, spend time with your family, go fishing, take afternoon naps under a coconut tree, and spend relaxing evenings having drinks with friends..." 

Want more Marketing Jokes? See the complete list! 

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