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Marketing Jokes 4.

 

Ship It

A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows on the car. They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem."

The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."

The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!

Marketing Dictionary

Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
All new: Parts not interchangable with previous design.
Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise.
Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together.
Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.
Designed simplicity: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone.
Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.
Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.
Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.
Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.
Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.
High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.
High reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it.
Years of development: We finally got one that works.
Improved: Didn't work the first time.
Latest aerospace technology: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.
Meets all standards: Ours, not yours.
Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can't explain.
MIL-SPEC components: We got a good deal at a government auction.
New: Different color from previous design.
New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.
Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period.
Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we hope.
Revolutionary: It's different from our competitors.
SMPTE bus compatible: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.
Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.
Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.

Location, Location...A Real Estate Marketing Lexicon

A wealth of period features: Your self, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and wellies. 
Architect-designed: Impractical design. 
By private treaty: If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price.
Compact: Too small for two people.
Country Gentleman's Residence: No longer suitable for rural poor.
Deceptive appearance: It looks terrible.
Easily maintained: Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid.
Extensively modernized: Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.
Fenced At Rear: Adjoins State Penitentiary.
For the gardening enthusiast: Grounds like a jungle.
Handyman's Delight: Handyman's horror.
Local Authority Grants Available: About to be condemned.
Much sought after: It's been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it.
Owner eager To Sell: If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be noticed.
Partial central heating: The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.
Period Residence: Over 5 years old.
Quiet, secluded setting: On site of proposed dormitory town. 
Rare opportunity to buy: No one else want's it.
Rustic: Dilapidated.
Sold: Unless you make a higher offer.
Unspoilt: Planning permission granted for field next door. 
Useful outbuildings: No inside toilet.
Unusual Features: No roof.
Waterfront: At low tide. Inundated at high tide.
Water Views: Next door to the sewerage farm.
Well situated: In full view of the neighbors. 
Within easy distance of: Next door to a pub.

International Marketing - Actual Accounts

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

Ford had a similar problem to the classic 'Chevy Nova' launch in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

and finally...

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extol the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."

Marketing Training

Three marketers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three marketers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a marketer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three marketers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the marketers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the marketers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers a marketer.

When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three marketers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the marketers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. 

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Wilson Nails

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."


A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Wilson Nails, they'll hold anything."

Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. I'll give you a second chance, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"

Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Wilson Nails, they'll hold anything'.

Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Listen, I'll give you a last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."

A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Wilson Nails!'.

You Might Be A Marketer If...

You refer to dating as test marketing.

When you bought a new house you called your fellow alumni and offered to name a room after them, if they'll help with the down payment.

Your favorite stories begin "Bob Jones, VP of marketing, sat at his desk and stared out his window..."

When you give your son his birthday present, you must say that it has an "unprecedented performance".

When you describe a product as "maintenance-free" you mean that it is impossible to fix it.

You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.

The Marketer And The Programmer

A Marketer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Marketer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. 

The Marketer just wants to sleep, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a a whole fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." 

Again, the Marketer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, and confident of his ability, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" 

This catches the Marketer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. 

The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Marketer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.

 Now, it's the Marketer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. 

After about an hour, he wakes the Marketer and hands him $50. The Marketer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Marketer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" 

Without a word, the Marketer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, then turns away to get back to sleep.

Want more Marketing Jokes? See the complete list! 

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