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Marketing Jokes 2

 

 

The Race

The Marketing Departments of two rival American and Japanese companies decided to hold a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels until both teams felt they were ready to demonstrate their prowess.

The big day arrived, and the Japanese won the race by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so they hired a consultant to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of additional study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough people were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

Again the big day dawned, the race began, and the Japanese team won by TWO miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

Apple Marketing

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. Marketing was the key to my success."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Man of Marketing

A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This was her explanation:

My first husband was a sales representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "It's gonna be great"!

My second husband was from software services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the documentation.

My third husband was an accountant. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.

My fourth husband was a teacher, and he simply said, "Those who can...do; those who can't...teach".

My fifth husband was an engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My sixth husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My seventh husband was a help-desk coordinator and he kept teaching me how to do it myself.

My eighth husband was in technical support, and he kept saying, "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now."

The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of marketing". 

The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have
the product, I'm just not sure how to position it".

The Top 10 Signs You Work In Marketing

10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their look-to-buy ratio.

9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear casual clothes to work.

8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as "deliverables."

7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

5. You wear gray to work instead of navy blue to make a bold fashion statement.

4. You know the people at the airport and hotel better than your next door neighbors.

3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

1. You think a "half-day" means leaving work at 5 o'clock.

Uh-Oh!

A young Marketing executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the Marketing Director standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive, keen to please his boss. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Marketing Director as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Good For Business

A visiting customer is taken on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products by their Marketing Manager.

At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the Marketer. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.

The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!"

"Wait a minute!" says the customer. "I understand what the
'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

These Are The Nominees For The Chevy Nova Award

This award is given out in honor of GM's fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".

  1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

  2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

  3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

  4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

  5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

  6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

  7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

  8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

  9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole" translating into "happiness in the mouth."

  10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

  11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"

  12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!

  13. A simple language check employed by most modern marketers should have prevented a shoe being given the same name as the poison gas used by the Nazis during the Holocaust. But it didnít. The British sportswear manufacturer Umbro apologizes and withdraws the Zyklon brand name.

 

58 Headlines They Didn't Mean!

 

Headlines are important. They advertise and market the following information. Sometimes, it goes horribly wrong...

 

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies

 

A Marketing Moral

 

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. 

 

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

 

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk!

 

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. 

 

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. 

 

The moral of the story? In Marketing, if you try to please everyone, you might as well... 

 

Kiss your ass good-bye.

Want more Marketing Jokes?  See the complete list! 

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